if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
