So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
