i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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