yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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