sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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