i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
