Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
BRING THE BAGELS
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
