i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
