my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
