Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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