i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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