Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
