i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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