my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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