just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
