My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
