I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
