Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
