Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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