new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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