just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
MIDGETS
????
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
