We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
