Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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