I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
