you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
