I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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