apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
