well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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