I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
