No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
