Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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