I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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