theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
