The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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