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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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