either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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