When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
