OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
