I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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