there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
