sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
