I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
