Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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