You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
