Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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