they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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