She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
