I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
