he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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