I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Panties = found
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
