A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
